woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
