One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
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at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
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What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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