I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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