you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
