you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
