I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
