I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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