The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
