Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
