I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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