I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀