Only a mothe r could love this liver
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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