Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
