my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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