Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
