So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So vagazzling was a success
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
