I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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