You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
