Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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