i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
