I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
