I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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