I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
