Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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