Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
