you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
