note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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