every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
