I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
