Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
