made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize