we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
