i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
