I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
