he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
