Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
