I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He passed out mid-signature
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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