I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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