My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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