Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
