On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
