At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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