I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
