Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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