She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
