Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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