My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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