Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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