When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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