she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
