you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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