I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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