If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
