My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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