My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
