I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
